There's a week for that?

I learned via facebook today that it is infertility awareness week. Hmmm Really? That is what inspired this blog post. Its actually something I've been thinking a lot about lately, and I need to get it out. But, not ready for the publicity of a facebook note. And well, my blog gets very little traffic. And quite frankly my regular visitors (yes, I know who you are) I trust.

 It all started when I moved into a new ward. Its not that I hate meeting people, that's just not true. I have just developed a new anxiety, especially within the church. Why, you ask? One of the most frequently asked questions while getting to know somebody is "How long have you been married?" Then that leads to the next questions. "And you don't have kids?" "Do you want kids?" etc etc the list goes on.

Yes! In 2 months, I will be married to The MR. for 5 years. No. We do not have children. And yes! It hurts. Then, after the awkward recovery from "open mouth insert foot" syndrome comes the "But you still can have kids! You can adopt!" And some excuse is made why they need to leave the conversation.

 Let me put that out there. I have nothing against adoption. It is a fabulous thing. My sister in law (you have not met her on this blog yet, no need to go looking) has adopted every one of her 5 children, whom I love to pieces. I have been to 2 of the 3 child parent sealings that have come about since I have been in the family, and have bawled my eyes out every time at how wonderful it is. One of those nieces I have a very special bond with (which ironically is the sealing we were not able to make it to), and know that that bond would not be if they did not adopt.

 My issue is, I'm not there yet. Right now, month after month I am deal with the feeling that a large piece of my womanhood has been torn away as I watch everybody around me announce their pregnancies. Kids are one of my favorite things in the world! I have worked with them for several years, and pediatric nursing is one of my dream jobs. The issue is, that I feel that even though I would love those kids to bits and pieces, I would also be reminded on a daily basis that I couldn't do it myself. If I am going to adopt, it is because I want to, not because I feel it is the only choice I have.

I don't hold babies (unless I'm close to the family) and I don't go to baby showers (again, unless I'm close to the momma). I find myself not really wanting to go to certain church meetings because there is the joyous sound of crying babies that are too young for nursery. Sometimes it is just too much. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for my friends that are pregnant (I'm not that bitter) It is just that some things tend to be too much, and I'd rather not make a scene involuntarily. So, I take control of what I can... not putting myself through the emotional battle of holding babies, and oooing and awwing at all of the beautiful gifts.

The other day, somebody who knows of my situation told me to look at it another way. She meant well, but it was just a choice of words. She said "But Jennie, look at it this way. You guys didn't want kids for a really long time at the beginning of your marriage. You were on birth control for a really long time, so just look at it as the amount of time you have been off of it, not how long you have been married" I resisted the urge to smack her in the face. Its not that we didn't want kids for the first 3 years, its that we weren't ready for them. We needed our time as husband and wife to build our marriage, and we were getting in a better position to be able to take care of them.

Now to answer the next question that I am sure is looming. No. I have not been diagnosed with anything. No. I have not been checked out. I'm not ready to deal with that. As soon as I go see a fertility doctor, it makes it all real, including the possibility that I will be told that there is something wrong with me. It is a possibility I could be told I will never have children. Yes, I am avoiding. I am not ready to deal with that reality yet.

So here's the deal. Yes. I hurt. No. I can't expect to avoid babies and fertility doctors forever, and I can't expect to never be asked. I can't expect the world to stop sharing their happy news, and their milestones (which I truly share in their joy, for them). But here's your piece of awareness. Please watch how you phrase things. And don't make comments such as "when is it your turn?" "You guys need to get busy! Do you need a second honeymoon?" You mean may well, and believe you are just having fun and playing along. But believe me, it takes every ounce of effort not to smack you in the face and answer politely when you ask those things. And yes. Every time, there are tears shed. Just not in front of your face.